Suburban (in)Sanity

Writing with my kids

So I've been doing a lot of non-writing lately. Or, more accurately, writing for purposes other than other's enjoyment, as that's the only way I can think of accurately describing a Needs Assessment document or a Benefit Communication Piece. I mean, I'm sure the people reading the needs assessments and benefit communications feel very...entertained in some way or another, but those venues are not typically accessing the creative part of my brain, thus I don't think of them as "writing" exactly.

Think this will be them at their own book signing in a few years?

So I've been missing writing, and thus I've been thinking to myself that I need to come up with a good idea for another book and just WRITE. 

This is the part where other writers will laugh, because making the decision to just WRITE and actually, you know, doing some writing, are quite separate things.

Nonetheless, tonight I was lamenting this need to the family and the children offered to help me think of things to write. Normally this makes me twitchy, as their ideas aren't always in line with the direction I'm heading with a piece, but since I had literally no idea what to write when we began this exercise, I didn't figure it would hurt to just play around. And bonus - I have an iPad now, I whipped it out and turned on the note-taking app I like (Penultimate, for the record. I use a boxwave brand capacitive pen, too. Makes it easier than just writing with a finger.)

And I had low expectations, because after all, the kids are only 9 and 7, it was getting long on Sunday evening, and all that. 

Silly me.

Kids fed me the greatest story idea in ages. It started with the 9 year old's offhand comment, "How about kids caught in a war zone?"

And, since I write mostly space-based science-fiction, I replied "oooh, good idea! In space."

He was all for that, being the big Star Wars fan that he is. And then the 7 year old piped up with her ideas. And we were off. 

Since this is a story I fully expect to epublish myself at some point in the future, I've decided that I'm going to blog about the process, about what ideas the kids contribute, what I've learned through the process, and what they'll be learning about writing, too. For starters, my daughter learned that being bossy about brainstorming isn't the right attitude to have. I'm still not sure I quite made an impression on her with that lesson, but it's an important one. She was taking the "you gave the last three ideas, now this section gets to be mine with only MY ideas" stance with her brother, which makes a bit of sense if fairness is your only guide. But in brainstorming, all ideas need to get some air-time, and some will bubble up and be worked into the storyline, some will be combined with others and worked into something new, and some will just fall by the wayside. It's the nature of brainstorming, but there's not a lot of fairness in brainstorming, other than every idea is considered for its own merit. 

We'll see if that lesson sticks in future brainstorming sessions. 

I'll post next about what our preliminary ideas on storyline are, the names of the characters, and some of the key conflicts. I haven't been this excited about a story in a *long* time, so at this point the biggest challenge will be keeping me from starting to write until we've done just a bit more planning so that this story doesn't suffer from the "boggy middle" and "lackluster climax" problems of some of my more recent stories.

On being a Mom and a Writer

I originally wrote this for a writer's board I participate on, but it relates so well to what I talk about on this blog that I wanted to share it here, too. The context is that another writer was complaining that she is limited in her reach right not because she's a mom. This is my reply:

I want to give a little working/writing/mom love. Being a mom is a really important job. The kids really benefit from all we do. When they are small it can be very brain-sucking work (just how many times do I have to tell Junior here that hitting his baby sister with Thomas the Tank Engine is Not Appropriate Behavior In Our House?) But on the flip side, there is IMMENSE creativity required in parenting, as any mother who has escaped the grocery store without buying the entire contents of the candy traps at the checkout desk can attest to. "How many green things can you count? Show me your toes. Show me your nose! What's that letter? What should we have for dinner? Let's sing Wheels on the Bus!" -- and now those of you who don't have children might better understand the slightly insane glint in our eyes as we exit the grocery store parking lot...

Immense creativity. I'm 100% convinced it has helped me be a better writer.

The most stunningly awesome amazing unbelievable thing that has happened? Context: I decided to start writing as a New Years Resolution in 2007 when my youngest was just 3. My now 7 year old writes the most amazing stories, they are *unreal.* She is publishable at age 7 and you just have to believe me that I'm not being overly dramatic. (The 9 year old is also interested in writing but hasn't yet mastered the ability to move the pictures from behind his forehead to the page. He's getting there.)

I haven't done anything specific with the 7 year old to develop this skill, other than immersing our family in the world of stories. We read stories constantly, we listen to audio books, we tell each other stories, she reads my stories, she is so entrenched in the world of storytelling that she naturally tells beautiful stories in her 1st grade assignments. It's honestly astonishing. And when she fills in the little worksheets to tell her classmates about her family, you know what she puts by my name, even though I actually make my career elsewhere?

Author. 

So don't for a minute doubt the time you're investing in your children while they are young. It is worth it, and there is time yet. And your creativity is sparked every day. And before long you find yourself writing the stories your children are begging you to write, because they're your biggest fans and you want to please them.

Further musings on kids' activities, in which I let my children skip things

I needed to read this today, which chronicles the real costs of parental pressure.

Because as I've talked about several times before, I'm really torn on the question of how many activities to sign kids up for (because let's be honest "letting" them sign up for things involves the parent actually filling out the paperwork and writing the checks, obtaining the uniforms and special footwear, writing more checks for recital costumes and music stands and teacher/coach gifts and extra fees, and shuttling them to and from each and every activity and...)

I think some of my ambiguity comes from the fact that many activities have separate "additional" components that are either hard to predict, poorly timed, or not something that particularly appeals to me or the child. We made up so many rained-out softball games last spring/summer that there were weeks where my then-6 year-old played softball four days out of seven. Even the most ardent fan of the game (and she was not particularly ardent, though she enjoyed being with friends) might not keep up with their interest at that pace.

The band that my son plays in through school (I plan to write a separate post at some point about how my Facebook friends convinced me that letting him sign up for band was a good idea) has extra concerts - some optional, some mandatory. Tonight's I believe is mandatory. Oops. He's enjoying the process of learning to play the clarinet, and I'm glad for that opportunity, but with all the extras with band, I think it's going to become optional next year.

This past weekend there was a gymnastics meet on Sunday. Every meet we've had thus far in the 3 years my son has been on this team have taken place on Sunday mornings at 8, 9 or 10 AM, depending on how far away they are. With that in mind, we made arrangements to stay with friends Saturday night near the meet location (40 miles from home.) And three days before the meet, the time was finally announced. 4 PM would have been the first event. Uhh...

So I feel just a smidge guilty because I recognize at this point my son's participation in these kinds of activities is really up to me to get him there. He's a happy go-lucky kid, he'll participate in most anything if I get him there. But is that really the right choice for our family? Being out all day Sunday, getting home at or after bedtime (meets often run 3+ hours, plus the 40 mile commute...) -- did that make sense? A weeknight concert, late start time, more time away from home on a school night?

Maybe. If these were his only opportunities to have the performance/competition experience, I might feel differently, but since by now they're just adding to his performance and competition experience (and he's happy go-lucky, he doesn't get particularly nervous. Remember? My kids always get picked first.)

Am I sending the wrong message to ask my kids to skip some activities? To accidentally take so long in finding a dance class that by the time we do go in to sign up all the classes are full? (or to take a deep relieved breath upon hearing that news, as it means one fewer $85 recital costume and all-day rehearsal in my future.)

We've reached an interesting milestone in our family for this summer. We have collectively decided to only sign up for one session of swim lessons (and truthfully, that's mommy deciding there - the lessons are very close to home, indoors so all-weather, and not very expensive. Plus if mommy were to be really really honest with everyone, even though mommy is a Pisces and a passable swimmer herself, she has some water-related fears. Having someone else [1] impart swimming knowledge and skills onto said children is worth it.)

Other than one session of swim lessons, the kids are not going to sign up for a single camp or lesson. No piano, no science camp, no day camp at school, no tennis, nothing. The gymnast might even skip gymnastics for the summer, depending on his decision around gymnastics for next school year (if he's going to continue on in gymnastics he'll continue this summer, but if he plans to drop it, we can drop it by the end of meet season in late May.)

Just think, a whole summer full of opportunities for the kids to tie each other up!

While it's possible we'll be certifiably insane by June 11, hopefully this will give us all some breathing room, and some time at home/library/new swimming pool in town. Is it wrong that I'm already eagerly anticipating the start of summer?

[1] Enthusiastic[2] teen members of the high school's swim team

[2] Is there any other kind of teen member of a swim team?

 

It is my duty and my privilege

To see my children off to sleep each night.

This has not changed since they were babies. The older is now 9. The younger is now 7.

I was reminded of this fact when talking with a friend earlier in the week who is going through a challenging period of many nighttime wakings with her 14ish month old. I, too, went through that time. And one sanity-saver was knowing that it was worth it. It was my duty and my privilege to see my children off to sleep. And I was just one parent with one (or two, or more) baby walking the halls with her at night and all over the world there were other parents up like me, walking, tending, nursing, listening, cleaning up the puke and administering the ibuprofin and worrying and waiting and hugging and back-rubbing and...

Tonight, the younger needed cuddles and calming, having reached hysterics over a ... just one of those things when the world doesn't quite match her expectations and she lost it. So she needed not much talking, lots of cuddles and back rubbing, and a judicious application of doggy, who listens best to me so it was important that I was there to entice doggy into the bed. Dog is smarter than most humans and instantly read the situation right. She stretched out out next to the distraught girl, long dog, lacing her head over the top of her hip and in perfect range for much ear scratching by the 7 year old.

The 9 year old didn't need much tonight, but as we lay together, I learned more about his day than I could have through any other means. I heard about the hockey stick that broke today, the various theories as to the perpetrator's identity. Then more discussion where it becomes clear that there wasn't really a perpetrator, nobody was in trouble. And he played Apples to Apples. And the vocabulary test was pretty easy (and he got a 94% and I could reinforce the importance of the studying he had done with me and the 7 year old earlier in the week.) And he asked about the power outage during the day, and whether we had water during that time (we didn't, as we are on a private well.) So I explained that when the power goes out, the well doesn't pump, the house is out of water. Except for each toilet's one flush-worth of a tank, as well as the reverse osmosis tank, which led to a conversation about RO water and why we have that kind of water, and the kind of refrigerators where the water comes out the door, which we don't have, and how mommy wants one. And then he sang a song about coconuts.

You know, none of this was particularly earth-shattering. None of it was absolutely essential. If we went til tomorrow, the next day, the day after, and didn't talk about any of these things, it wouldn't have mattered in the slightest.

Except that it matters. It matters. And it's worth it.

Think of the power of that moment - when your body turns from wakefulness to sleep. For some (my darling husband, for example) that change happens in an instant, mere minutes after laying their heads down. For others of us, it comes later, after our brains process most everything we went through that day, or the ideas in our minds play out in a helter-skelter fast-forward, jumping from idea to idea, no logical sense other than the sense our brains need to prepare for the journey that is sleep.

And it is my duty, and my privilege, to accompany them on the start of that journey each night.

What is your "in lieu of flowers..."?

This past weekend I attended the services for a twelve year-old girl from our school who passed away after a month-long illness including extensive hospitalization. It was a terrifically sad event. My heart broke to pieces when I heard the news of her death. She's one of those kids at school that everyone knows.

My heart stitched back together a bit at seeing her sixth-grade (and other middle-school) classmates at her services, the way they supported one another, their somber vigil. They had decided ahead of time that it was important that they be there through the whole visitation. And now they are deep in the planning for a remembrance for their classmate, via the cause that meant so much to her - the Red Wolf Coalition.

In the announcements to the parents at our school as well as via the funeral home and obituary, this girl's passion for the cause of the red wolf was mentioned "in lieu of flowers." It would mean so much to her to know that her friends and family are choosing to honor her memory with donations to this organization.

My children knew this young woman from school, though neither were particularly close to her (2 and 5 years apart in school.) But in that way that seven year-olds have of breaking your heart with their laser-keen clarity and old-soul nature, my daughter's concerns in the days following the announcement of this death were centered on her own mortality.

With two close friends battling different kinds of cancer on each coast, and my daughter's existential crisis, I find myself thinking - what is my "in lieu of flowers" cause?

It turns out I didn't have to look far for the answer to my own question. This morning was my close friend's inaugural meeting as a La Leche League Leader, and I was able to proudly applaud her as she introduced herself to a room full of moms and babies who came for information and support about breastfeeding.

I had occasion to mention to the moms today that they can call or email any of us Leaders if they need help with something between our monthly meetings. "It's what we do." I said. And it is. Helping moms and babies helps heal the broken parts of my soul, the parts that still ache for this young woman's family, that feel the fear my daughter feels about her own life. The parts that aren't sure about anything but this one woman, this one baby, and helping them find their way through their own unique breastfeeding journey.

So there you have it. If I die suddenly and you're heartbroken and unsure of what to do - support causes like your local La Leche League group that helps new moms and babies. And throw some cash in the direction of your local library and animal shelter, too, while you're at it.

What's your "in lieu of flowers" cause? If you don't have one, I think you should adopt this young woman's cause, the Red Wolf Coalition. It's what she would have wanted you to do.

Oh, and if you feel compelled to send flowers for my family, make them peonies. 

Lots and lots of peonies.

A long long list of links I like (and you will, too.)

I've been neglecting my blog. Poor, sad blog. No excuse other than sometimes Everything Else just gets in the way.

We've been having a very entertaining Snowpocalypse 2011 (or Snomageddon, or SNOMG! or Snoway we're getting out of here.) I hope if you've been hit by the Storm of the Century, or its icy hangerson, that you've got entreperneurial neighborhood youth to dig you out.

Meanwhile, I've been collecting tabs in browsers for an entire week and at this point they are becoming overwhelming. They are each likely deserving of their own dedicated blog post, but alas, at this time they're just going to go in a jumble here with some editorial commentary by me. Perhaps I'll revisit the biggest of them in future posts. That might break me of the "must have something IMPORTANT to say" problem that impedes my blogging in general.

• Figment is a possible solution to an imaginary problem I do not have yet. You see, I write books (hopefully you know this by now.) I haven't yet published any of my books but I am trying. I am starting to lean towards indie publishing my own books as ebooks, something I can do on kindle, nook, etc. on my own (and which I already have done with my short story Apples on the Moon.) But I write young adult science fiction. It's not clear to me yet that YA readers are using kindles and nooks, although most by now have a smartphone. At any rate, figment is an online community where young adult readers and writers can collect and share. Is this a place where I can hook into the YA reading community a bit better? (And, bonus, perhaps find some fun stuff written by actual young adults? Awesome.) A big part of why I write is because of these people, these young adults. So I'm excited about the possibilities of Figment. I'm there under my author name, Karen T. Smith.
• I'm completely addicted to Pandora Radio. Right now Five for Fighting is playing on my Coldplay mix. And I've created an awesome Goo Goo Dolls/Mumford and Sons/30 Seconds to Mars crazy mashup channel. Love it. The programmers who write the algorithms are genius. I hope iTunes is paying them well, because I end up buying about 1 out of ever 10 songs I hear... What's on your Pandora radio stations?
• I'm writing a story that features a piano-playing main character, so this page has helped me figure out some common songs she might know. Heaven knows I have played most of these in my piano-playing days, but I'd lost track of most of the classics. Moonlight Sonata was my first recital piece. Fur Elise, my second. 
• My friend Levi Montgomery has written a number of novels and novellas. What he writes is not in the genres I read (he writes some pretty cool gritty and real-feeling coming of age stories as well as mystery/thriller types. I'm solidly over in the sci-fi/fantasy/made-up world columns.) You should check out his stuff, though. Zoe Freaking Winters loves his work (she's one of the indie publishing success stories.) 
• JA Konrath's blog is totally changing my mind about everything related to publishing. The idea that my writing might actually earn some cash green money within the next 90 days versus "some point in the distant future" is extremely appealing. Still mulling over options, and editing one novel with an eye toward epublishing it myself soonish.
• I was able to coerce entice some friends into splitting a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) farmshare with me this summer. We're going with Sweet Home Organics, a small community farm very near where we live. I'm excited about trying out the CSA model to see how it works for our family. And thinking about summer produce does do the heart good here in the bottoms of Midwest Winter.
• On the epublishing front, a friend pointed me toward Dreamstime as a source for images. Some lovely things, particularly for us space-minded folk. 
• Everyone in my education circles of interest on facebook has been posting this TED talk by Ken Robinson about changing educational paradigms. I'm ashamed to admit I haven't watched it yet. Like voicemail, I find videos to be a black hole of time sink (even when, like this video, it helpfully tells me it's an 11 minute 40 second clip.) Once I fall into the video event horizon, I'm sucked into the vortex. But in my defense, I think I've watched this one before and it really is worth the watch. Even I'll get to it again. Soon.
• Another thing that keeps bubbling up to me via FB friends is this site Quora.com. It bills itself as: "A continually improving collection of questions and answers created, edited, and organized by everyone who uses it." Seeing as how one of the things I do primarily in one aspect of my life (breastfeeding support) is to answer questions, I am intrigued. In one of my other areas of life/interest (eLearning and educational software design) I think it's also an interesting direction to go. I'm trying to convince one of my clients that the highest-value thing they could do today is to put up an expert video library (ala the TED talks like the previous bullet) of their experts answering questions. I think it'd be a game-changer in their industry.
• No, I'm not done yet. Have you seen Google's Art Project? I happen to have it open to a page of the Palace of Versailles. Yes, living in my science-fiction life is awesome, where we can do virtual walkthroughs of major museums all over the world from our computer screens (while listening to awesome Mumford and Sons songs on Pandora Radio, no less...)
• Whatever you're doing now, you should take a moment (yes, step away from the blog) and go change this facebook setting. I read through to the original blogger who co-opted 20-40 fb identities while sitting in a Starbucks in NYC. One word: Eek!
• Very interesting BlogHer post about depression, viewing it as a disease, and other insights. 
• I was struck, hard, by this blog post by Motherscribe about her son. I've written some similar things before about my beautiful awesome and difficult-to-parent-sometimes daughter. But truthfully, her words resonated with me about ALL of parenting. It's so hard sometimes, and we forget we can use our fingers.
• I really liked this post about The Unhealthy Truth About Our Food. As someone who tries to be thoughtful about our food choices, and feed my family well (real foods, in as close to their natural states as possible) there were a lot of good hooks here.
• Being a geography geek, I found this BBC site that compares sizes of things to be fascinating. 
• While some might take issue with the idea of "coming out" with the gifted label as a bit...off-kilter when compared to the issues surrounding gays in coming out to their families and communities, I did like that the article raised the issue of embracing the use of the term gifted, and accepting yourself or your child for themselves. I have found this process to be life-altering and I will likely write about it more in the future. 
• This article about how different parenting styles can lead to splitsville for friends was ... very interesting. I don't entirely agree with the author, but I can totally see her point about the Interrupting Child and how aggravating it is to be the OTHER adult in that dynamic. BTDT, they should sell t-shirts.

Oh my gosh, is that IT? Nothing else? Well...nothing else at the moment. Hope you find some gems in there. This internet sure is big!

My reading round-up, YA and Middle-Grade sci-fi and fantasy

I had put some thoughts together about what I've been reading lately for another board and thought I would share them here, too.

But first, I'm curious - does anyone else use Shelfari to track their reading? I like to track what I read, and have used Shelfari in the past, but my account is out of date at the moment while I consider several things.

Many readers I know use Goodreads. Anyone have any comment on the difference between them or an opinion over which is better? In parallel, I'm contemplating a move of this blog over to the wordpress blog I've stubbed out, you know, change of scenery and all. They do not appear to have a way to connect a Shelfari widget, which is one of the reasons I've stalled. Would appreciate any thoughts on goodreads vs. shelfari or if there's something else better out there. I've seen some people using a facebook widget, but I want something I can integrate on a blog.

Okay, here's the goods. In the interests of time and because I bought them from Barnes and Noble for my Nook, I'll include links there (I read most of these in ebook format) - but you know how it goes, you can get most at your local library, from Amazon, or better yet - your local bookseller. I hear Anderson's Booksellers in Naperville sells some ebooks, too. This represents, FYI, about 2 months of my reading.

I've been on a Diana Wynne Jones streak lately, and absolutely adore her books, every one of them, for the way she plays with magic, makes fun characters, and tells not big grand earth-shattering end-all battles between good and evil, but just nice stories with interesting magic.

The ones I've recently read include all of the books in the Chrestomanci series (In order, they go: A Charmed Life, The Magicians of Caprona, Witch Week, The Lives of Christopher Chant), plus a short story collection featuring the same characters (called Mixed Magics), and The Pinhoe Egg, which is set in the same universe and features the main character Eric Chant from the first Chrestomanci book (the characters overlap some throughout all four or five of those books.)

We also did the audio book of The House of Many Ways, very enjoyable voice talent, and audio of Enchanted Glass (library loans). My primary caution with her books, particularly evident in audio, is that they tend to be slow burns. They're not going to grab you by the throat, but they're lovely stories told in interesting ways with interesting magic and compelling characters. Just be patient with them and give them some time to warm up. If you can only spare time to read just one, read Howl's Moving Castle, which was not available in ebook form but is an astonishingly good book.

Next was I am Number Four, which is coming out in a movie soonish. It's an interesting sci-fi story. There's some online discussion/controversy about the book as it's written by someone then marketed through what some are calling a "scheme" - another author selling rights and supposedly paying the original author pennies. I have no idea, but it's a YA sci-fi and there's precious little of that so I read it. Nice story. Enough tension and interesting features, not too crazy on the action end. Reminded me of The Warrior Heir, but I liked the writing a little better in this book. We've started seeing trailers for the movie (main actor is the same one who played Alex Ryder in Stormbreaker) on TV so the 9 year old has asked to read it now. It's themes and content aren't too advanced, though there's a bit of kids drinking beer once and loads of kissing, but that's within our tolerances so I'm queing it up for him for his next read.

I read Life As We Knew It, by Susan Beth Pfeffer, which is a future dystopia about the moon being hit by an asteroid and coming closer in orbit to the earth, and the massive catastrophes that result. Very interesting story, told 100% first person journal-entry style. I loved the style, and enjoyed the story. It was a much smaller story than I figured, I kept expecting some big grand event to take place, but really it's also a small, close story about a teen and her family and how they survive in crazy circumstances. It's also YA Sci-fi. I recommend this one, but warning that the story is a bit of a downer, I found it tiring to read after a bit and am glad to have moved on, mostly just because it seemed so *real.* I suppose that's a sign of the writer's skill, eh? There are other books out in the series but I'll take a break before (if) reading them. Because it's a bit of a downer and there's a small section where the mom accuses the daughter of sleeping with someone and they throw around the term "make love" about a hundred times on one page, I'd recommend holding off for most non-teens.

I just finished The Comet's Curse by Dom Tesla, a radio personality in Colorado. It's a YA sci-fi, set on an "escape ship" leaving earth after a catastrophe (by this point I'm starting to wonder if there are ANY YA sci-fi books that aren't categorized as post-apocalyptic or disaster or dystopias. Sigh) has caused everyone on earth to be afflicted by a horrible disease that will kill them after age 18. So a crew of 251 15 and 16 year olds are sent into space to escape the disease and recolonize another planet. This is the first in a series.

I didn't love the storytelling style (interleaved narrative with present-day and flashbacks, quite a lot of "telling" to the audience. It felt like it was written in a style appropriate for a younger reader, telling us things that we could intuit from the text just fine. I think it's just the writer's style, though, as the choice of 15 and 16 year old protagonists puts it smack in the center of the YA genre.) Story was just so-so. I don't highly recommend it, but I'm glad I read it because I am certain my stories are at least as good as this one! As for reading level/age - while the story features older protagonists, I think this is a fine book for younger readers because the content is kept clean (a few crushes/what-does-she-think-of-me kinds of things but that's it.) The storytelling style might also work well for a younger reader (thinking 9-13, plus those in the 14+ YA age range, of course.)

I'm now just starting to read Shipbreaker, by Paolo Bacigalupi, which is up for some awards this year. It's another future dystopia (le sigh) set in coastal Florida where the main character is a boy who helps break down huge old rusty oil tankers to get their parts. The storytelling is EXCELLENT and is a fantastic study in how to communicate a lot about an unusual environment/different world via basic dialogue and narration, without resorting to blocks of exposition. He also uses a lot of slang and unusual terms, which makes it challenging to read but also interesting to see how the terms are introduced and how you can figure out what is meant by them.

So far I'm really impressed, but not far enough to say more than that. I think the writing is fantastic, though, so I'm glad even though it's another intense dark seemingly depressing future story. I'm about halfway through and the story gets pretty brutal, the main character's father is a problem, drug abuse is common, and even the kids pass around a bottle of alcohol one night and talk about hangovers. The whole story has you wondering whether the main character will survive the day, much less what will happen next. It's very compelling to read. Reminds me a lot of Hunger Games, but in a way it's even more brutal because this world that the main character lives in sounds like it could happen to us, given a little less luck with the environment and more global aggregation. Because of the slang, the drug and alcohol mentions (and some passing veiled references to prostitution) - I'd stick this with YA readers only, but your mileage may vary. In any event, it's a fantastic read and I'm finding myself coming up with all kinds of excuses to go read. Like now. Time to finish this blog post so I can finish the book, enjoy!

Why pushing your kids is *sometimes* the right thing to do

If you haven't heard about Amy Chua's Wall Street Journal article, "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior" then you must not read much. Rather than me summarize, you should just go read it. Go ahead, link above, cause I'm nice like that.

I'm not going to arbitrarily rebut her article, because as shocking as much of it seems at first, the other articles I've read that include the original author's point of view make it clear to me that she's not always certain she's done the right things, and that the book the article was excerpted from was a memoir, a coming-of-age story. About the mother.

So, instead, I think it's worth talking about pushing your kids. When, why, how much, and when to stop.

As with most of this sort of thing, I can only have this conversation in the context of my own experience with my own two darling, brilliant, and ultimately stubborn and challenging little people.

Because left to their own devices, kids' choices might not line up very well with choices that lead to success in today's world. If you're on a different parenting angle where you aren't concerned about helping your child build a foundation for success in the future, just be warned that this article is probably not going to be your cup of tea. Because I do believe that one of our bigger jobs as parents is to help our kids build skills that will help them be successful in life.

Now, I contrast this with the idea that seems uniquely American (I'd love to hear from those parenting in other cultures, as maybe I'm wrong) that we need to force our children to be independent from a very early age. One of the primary things people will ask a new parent, even when their baby is still itty bitty and just a few weeks or months old, is "is the baby sleeping through the night?" Ugh. (For the curious, my best answer to this was always, "We're all sleeping great, thanks for asking!")

Dr. James McKenna has great articles on sleeping and norms, but this post isn't about sleeping any more than it's about being a Chinese mother, which I am not. It's about pushing our children. It seems from a very early age we encourage children to be independent, yet is this the right choice for helping our children build skills to be successful in the world?

A friend recently told me, aghast, about someone else's child who was cooking his own breakfast at age 2 or 3. ON THE STOVE! I'm all for encouraging our children to do things for themselves, but even that struck me as just plain odd. But in our culture of forcing independence from an early age, is this really so strange a thought? Shouldn't they be able to pour their own milk and fetch their own snacks?

My answer? Within reason. Yes, children should be given the opportunity to build skills like pouring, but being a lazy mom, I have no desire to clean up the mess that results so I limited pouring to kitchen sink-types of play for many years and just did the dang pouring for them. Now that they're older, I permit much pouring (except of the milk, which comes in real glass bottles and eek! The mess one makes when it shatters is unreal. Remember? Lazy mom. Not on speaking terms with the mop.) 

And a different point of view on this is - if I force my kids to be independent now (ages 7 & 9) and get all their own food - I start to cede control of their diets to their own whims. I believe one of my important jobs is to help them learn how to make good food choices, how to have a healthy diet, how to use food as fuel but also enjoy food (because who doesn't love a pop-tart once in a while, right?)

So by being the hardline mom I am, where my kids are required (sort-of. Oldest was caught this morning with a bucket of pretzels that he had not asked permission for. He was not punished, but the violation was noted...) to ask permission before eating something. Doesn't matter what, they have to ask. Because they ask, then I can help guide them to foods I think will satisfy their needs at the time. Being a control freak does have its advantages.

What about activities? You've heard me talk about the push/pull of activities before. How much is too much? When should you say no? When should you push?

Of course the answer here again is "it depends." But the answer isn't to refuse access to food or toilets as mentioned in the original article. Unless...see, I firmly believe that each of us knows our children, we know what they're capable of, what their tricks are. And we learn what pressure points we need to access. Because I've denied my child food or a toilet break before, because I knew they were asking for those just to horse around and avoid whatever mean mommy was making them do.

Yet, at the same time, I've also given the 9 year old a break from homework when I could tell his mind just couldn't focus at the time, figuring it's better to invest in a 20 minute break followed by 10 more minutes of homework than a 30 minute battle that will leave us both in tears.

Where I think some parents have trouble, though, is seeing that line. It's different for every child, so you can't even generalize from that useful first baby (aka "the practice child.") as what works for them rarely works for #2. But if you stop to listen, think, and evaluate, you can usually puzzle out what's really going on.

Example - I signed my daughter up for basketball this fall. A friend was joining, figured it would be a fun activity, something to keep her moving through the colder months. It was mostly my idea, but at 7 I figure she's at an age where she should try out a lot of different things so she can find the things that she loves to do.

From the beginning it didn't go well, but I attributed it to my own dislike of the style of the coach. He seemed a bit...unprepared to meet the needs of 6, 7 and 8 year old girls learning the game. (Case in point - he was trying to get them to set picks the entire first practice. When many girls weren't even aware that they should be dribbling most of the time, and a bit unclear on the whole idea of "offense" and "defense.")

The first game was a disaster. Both coaches were yelling at each other. Yeah, I blogged about that, too. I was mad. But I worked hard at keeping my feelings out of it and proceeded on through another week of practices and another game with the daughter. After the second game, she told me she really didn't like basketball at all.

I know that most parents would at this point say that "well, we paid for it, by gummity you're going to go and you're going to ENJOY it!" But here's the thing - quitting isn't a reflection on me as a parent. At all. It has nothing to do with me. The biggest question I had to answer was why. Why did my daughter want to quit? And were those reasons the right kinds of reasons to give up on an activity? (even after paying the non-refundable fee, sigh.)

Her reasons? The games were really chaotic. Loud. She didn't like all the yelling.

Wow. I thought she might say she didn't like the game. She didn't like dribbling. I expected my perfectionist daughter to dissolve into tears and tell me she wasn't any good at it.

But her perception of her ability had nothing to do with what she was asking. She felt overwhelmed at the games. And the girls were always reaching and grabbing, slapping at the ball. It's a very physical game (I blame the coaches, imagine me rolling my eyes here) and it did not suit her one bit.

Is that a reason to quit? I felt it was. I felt it was an easy decision, once I understood her reasons. I don't need to push my child to engage in an activity that is overwhelming. That isn't what I'm here for.

By comparison, my son is on a gymnastics team. He's had some periods of time (this is his third year on the team) where he's been less enthusiastic about the sport than others. He's mentioned wanting to quit. We've talked about it a number of times over the years, but each time we've agreed that he should keep at it for a bit, get through the next milestone (the next month, the next meet) and re-evaluate. And each time he's decided he wants to continue. And I'm thrilled because gymnastics is a whole-body activity that really helps him in a lot of subtle ways. And nobody yells much at the meets.

Am I pushing him to continue? A bit, yes. I think it's a good sport for him. It's year-round, it meets some sensory needs of his that I don't think even he knows or notices (because they're met by the practices so well.) I like the other parents. The gym is close. It's not a cheap activity, but as his primary one, it seems reasonable. So yes, I push him. But I push him to choose for himself. I don't say "it's up to you." I say "I feel like gymnastics is good because A, B, C. I'd like to see you continue. We can discuss stopping at <next milestone> but I'd really like to see you keep up with it." We parents are experts at applying that gentle pressure. But there's what I mean. Sometimes it is right to push.

Sometimes I can tell my daughter is having trouble with something because she's stubborn, or upset, or seeing things from the wrong angle. Pushing is okay (which reminds me, one of my new year's resolutions should have been to get that girl going on a 2 wheeler! She's been afraid for too long. I need to stop talking and start pushing, literally.) But pushing her to continue an activity that gave her very little (a little bit of exercise) and instead just set all her alarm bells firing (why are all these girls RUNNING at me? Will those grown-ups just stop shouting ever? Everybody is yelling! help!) That wasn't the right choice.

I pushed her to continue with dance when she was getting frustrated at the way other kids in her class would run around and not listen. But I pushed because the recital was coming up. And the recital ended up being her favorite part of the whole thing, she loved the costumes and the stage and the performance, everything.

How about you? When have you had to push your children on something? Homework seems a popular one. What have you found that works? How have you had to change your perspective child to child?

 

A few of the things discovered while cleaning out the kitchen cabinet

You know, the one above the desk that I promised in my 11 things to get rid of in 2011 post to purge?

Yes, this is it, this is the post where I name names and even post pictures. Be afraid, be very afraid. If you're me, that is.

If you are very very lucky, and treat me nicely, I might even take some "after" pictures tomorrow so you can see what a good girl I was. In the meantime, though, you'll have to suffice with these pictures of the "before" scene (including the "before" of the desk itself, a biohazard zone, which I cleaned off in early December and HAS REMAINED CLEAN FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH. I expect a parade. And chocolate cake.)

I hope these help you feel better about yourself because *you* would never let the clutter overtake *your* life to this extent. Oh no.

Pay special attention to the upper cabinets (again, I cleaned off the desk absolutely ages ago. It hasn't looked like this in WEEKS. The cabinets have doors, we can pretend like crap isn't there by just closing the door. Magic.) But the uppers, pay attention, as some of these items will be featured prominently later.

Again, focus on the cabinets. I get that the desk was a pigsty but I've moved on.

Okay, here's a few of the things I discovered in the bottomless pit that is the kitchen cabinets:

1. At least 4 dozen bubble envelopes, all sizes and in all kinds of states of disrepair. There is a broken part of my brain that won't let me discard a potentially usable bubble envelope, even though there are dozens of other bubble envelopes in better repair just an arm's-reach away. (Left and right side photos, all over the flipping place. If there's a nuclear holocaust, have no fear, I can safely ship small breakables.)

2. 2 baby books, completely empty. In my defense, I've already put one into the giveaway bag. It was a Marshall's impulse buy when I thought I might prefer the binder style to the book style. At this point ANY style would suffice since the second child's life has not been properly memorialized in a baby book. (Upper left corner, darker yellow box.)

3. 1 key to a car we haven't owned in more than four and a half years. Yes, I checked.

4. Husband's high school class ring. WTF? (It was in a box of stuff from the kitchen cabinet of the old house. That we moved out of in 2003.)

5. Wall calendar ("Your baby's first year" or some such) from oldest's first year in which I meticulously documented what he wore every single day. I told husband about this tonight, and of course his natural reply was, "Why the heck did you do that?" You see, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and the oldest was born, my camera printed on 35mm FILM and didn't keep track of the date and other metadata tags on each digital picture file. Because there WERE NO DIGITAL PICTURE FILES. At least not until I got a digital camera when the now-9 year old was about 4 months old. This also begs the question - didn't I have anything else to do? (answer: yes, I worked and I think this was my way of coping with the separation, I'd dress him each morning and log it on his calendar. Every day.)

6. Ticket stubs from Wiggles Live! The things we do for our children (they loved it.)

7. An incomplete set of tails for the donkey. No donkey. The donkey is MIA. If you have the donkey, have seen the donkey, or know anything about the donkey, I urge you to contact me ASAP to reunite donkey with his missing tails. I imagine his hiney is cold.

 

The importance of the Chorus

Like all 30-something women who are not dead, I am a fan of Glee. The music, the high-school hijinks, the whole thing just represents perfect television escapism. But something has bothered me from the very beginning. There are only a few stars on the Glee show choir. Rachel, Kurt, the loveable lunkhead whose name is totally escaping me. Even Puck, whose actor has a music career outside of the show, is generally relegated to chorus parts.

See, in life, I think part of me has always aspired to have the lead role. To be the top, to carry the show. But life's reality, as I've lamented about in my core story and perils of being a generalist posts, is often different than whatever my aspirations or expectations might have been. Not that this is a bad thing, because none of my whole parenting experience fit with my vision of my life as a parent, but my children changed me in beautiful ways and helped me become a different, better, more important me, I think. This is a very good thing. And I'm not a center-of-attention girl, I get self-conscious sometimes, I don't always want the pressure of having something interesting or important to say. I blush easily.

But for my kids? Don't I want them to shine? To be the star? To be the kids that everyone else is talking about? Their school is preparing a play for all kids in grades 4 and under. Each of my children has a role they'd like to have, they've been talking about it for days. Both have exceptionally good memories, so in my world this means they should aspire to have big parts, lots of speaking lines, because memorizing the lines will be cake to them. And then they can shine. And be the stars. Right?

Uh. They don't need to be the stars. We're not "starry" people, much. I mean, each has their moments of hamming it up with friends and family, and each has some comfort and confidence in a group - both are features I treasure because it took me quite a long time in my youth to come out of my shell enough to do either of those kinds of things. But they don't need to be the stars.

Because, you see, without the chorus, Rachel's notes just hang in the air. Kurt's voice is like nails on a chalkboard. And loveable lunkhead sounds thready and misty, one upper respiratory infection away from anihilation. The chorus rounds them out, fills up the sound, builds the background so that Rachel can break away with the melody and take our breath away.

And every so often, one of the other kids gets a solo.

I find myself wondering if in life, like musical-show-choir-based-television-shows, the role of the chorus is more than just the role of the background, but rather the build-up, the support, the structure of the whole. That was certainly the role of the Greek Chorus.

Among other things, the wikipedia article states:

In many of these plays, the chorus expressed to the audience what the main characters could not say, such as their hidden fears or secrets. The chorus often provided other characters with the insight they need.

So, shouldn't us backgrounders be satisfied with our roles in the background, with occasional forays into solo parts and center stage responsibility? What about you? Are you a member of the chorus, or do you play one of the leads? Are you comfortable in that role? Have you ever wondered if you were mis-cast?

Are we all waiting for our solos?