Suburban (in)Sanity

Back-to-School: An Introvert's Lament

The kids head back to school tomorrow, and I'm feeling solidly meh about it. A bit down, even. The eldest is 12 (almost 13) and entering 8th grade. The youngest is 10 and entering 6th. Where, exactly, has the time gone? Seriously. Have you seen the time? All of it?

But back to feeling blah about school.

It's not even that we've had a lot of fun lazy days this summer, though we have. I made it a goal to make sure we did a lot of traditional "summer" things, so the kids and I made a list at the beginning of the summer and then happily checked off items like "go for ice cream" and "go for ice cream to the other ice cream place" and "skip stones" and "fill the entire driveway with chalk drawings." I feel like the kids are getting older and older and these silly fun things get forgotten in the constant hum and beep of technology - be it texts or Instagram or video games or you tube.

 

We've had plenty of activities, and plenty of downtime, an introvert's most treasured activity, amiright?

 

And when I hurt my back mid-summer, I was supremely grateful my kids were home so I had help just managing the basics of everyday - taking out the dogs, laundry, dishwasher. Things I do a hundred times every day and didn't notice until excruciating pain hit. They helped out a lot.

 

But I'm not just melancholy because I'm losing my two minions (though they are very good minions, exceptionally well-trained if I do say so myself.)

 

And, this will surprise my spouse tremendously, it's not just that I will miss my "wake up whenever I wake up"ness of the summer, at least the unscheduled part of it. Although I will miss that quite a lot, too. ;) For the record, I consider it payback (still) for all the nighttime nursings and up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-with-a-child-who-won't-stop-screaming. The first nursed round the clock every 2 hrs his whole first year (and some beyond). The second went a full year stretch where she'd wake for 2 hrs in the middle of the night for no reason and just wail. Piteously. Even when I held her. Which I did, clutching her with a desperate grip, going slightly insane in the process. Let's tally that...carry the one, mumblemumble, add ten, yeah. I still haven't earned out. 

 

The real thing, though, is this. As an introvert (remember, classic introvert definition: I need alone time to recharge my mental/emotional batteries. Extroverts recharge by being with people. Introverts do not.) I find time w/my immediate family to be similar to alone time (though not quite exactly like, which presents challenges sometimes like now when I had to say "um, child, I'm writing something. Can you please stop interrupting me?" Though an extrovert writer would likely have had the same issue being interrupted every 47 seconds...) I feel most energized when I've had adequate (read as: LOTS OF) time to just do my own quiet thing.

 

But once the kids go off to school, I'm stuck interacting with the world again. The big, exhausting, gigantic world. No more talking to the kids in the checkout line so I can avoid conversation with the clerk. No more making vague attempts to get the kids together with their friends, only to be relieved when their friends are unavailable and we can just hang out at home. Again.

(for more on this "cancelled plans phenomenon" you MUST see Gemma Correll's awesome Map of the Introvert's Heart, which popped up all over the place, but in particular on this Fast Company article.)

 

Because I'm a writer, and the primary at-home parent to boot, I semi-force myself to get out of the house regularly while the kids are in school because otherwise I have a tendency to start surfing petfinder and fantasizing about how many cats one can obtain before one is considered "crazy cat lady." Or going entire days without having used my voice at all between 8 AM and 3:30 PM, which is nice and all, but at some point gets a wee bit unhealthy.

 

So I send off to school tomorrow my buddies, my introverts-in-crime[1] (oh how helpful it was to have married an introvert! We had all the genetic fixin's to get us two lovely introverted children!) My armor against the big gigantic world. My excuse?[2] My quiet (usually, except when I'm writing, groan) companions. Oh, and my minions. I suppose the dishes can wait until they get home...

 

 

[1] A corrollary to this is the fact that there is quite an adaptation curve for the kids w/school, since they are both introverted. Luckily they attend a small school, but it still takes a few weeks for them to come home less than exhausted, which can be exhausting to survive as a parent.

[2] Yeah, do I use them as an excuse sometimes? Maybe. Is that healthy? Probably not.

Parenting past the third trimester, all the way through school

Reality keeps reminding me how important my role as parent is, even now here midway through the elementary/middle school years (our kids go to a school that goes from Pre-Kindergarten through 8^th grade, so for us it’s all one school. Middle school starts in 5^th grade. One is in 4^th, one is in 6^th this year.)

 

It seems to me that some parents start to semi-check out once they check their kids into the Great Yellow School Bus of Sanity™. Don’t get me wrong. I do a little dance every late August, too. Not because I’m sick of my kids, but because the routine and structure of school does good things for my kids’ mental development.

However, even as spectacular as our school is for the kids, our jobs don’t end when we drop the kids at the door (private school, no Great Yellow Bus of Sanity™ for us, sadly.) There’s still quite a lot of parenting here in the space between 3:30 PM and the fast crash into slumber. I have a friend who actually quit her job once her kids started school so that she was home for homework and Mama Taxi and all the other parts of the parenting job that seem so vague when you’re holding a newborn.

So the situation that arose that has me writing about this is easy enough to describe. The boy child has been struggling a bit with organization and staying on top of schoolwork. What 6^th grade boy doesn’t? But it’s been a … journey, to say the least.

We’ve been talking about what habits, practices, things will help him remember assignments, help him get what he needs to school, and help him complete assignments within the expectations (and more than just the MINIMUM expectations) of his teachers. I spend time pointing out how I do things at home. How I have one place I keep my keys because if not, I’m certain I would lose them, regularly. How when I open a new page in one of my many notebooks, I always date the page at the top. And in the front of every one of my many notebooks (I’m a writer, I keep tons of them!) I always have my name and cell phone number so if any goes missing, hopefully the notebook can find its way back to me.

As setup, here’s the scenario: I’m turned from my computer. My boy tells me he’s DONE with his homework, yay! It’s that afternoon slump. I’m tired, he’s tired. I could so easily say “Oh, okay.” But I press. What is due tomorrow in Math? Language Arts? What score did you get on that quiz? And then my dear boy looks at me and tells me he has just this one bit of Science homework. He’s supposed to have some answers prepared to a question about his Mars Project from last week. Well this is no trouble, he worked his tail off on that project (with much Mom-sitting-in-chair-close-by prodding with additional questions, asking leading questions about whether Mars is a proper noun, thanking her lucky stars for Mrs. Carroll’s 6^th grade Language Arts lessons, which took.)

The best part of this, though, is when my adorable, smart, sweet little shit grinned at me and said, “It’s no problem, mom. I’ve got it memorized.”

Sigh.

And here’s where the hard part of parenting kicks in.

I could have let it go. I’m tired. I don’t wanna do anything else. I certainly don’t want to have another conversation with him about why this is important to handle now. And why putting in five more minutes of effort today will be better than trying to stammer out a half-remembered bit of Mars minutiae tomorrow. Why anything is better than that clutch in the pit of your stomach when you realize you’re really not prepared. That feeling of dread when you realize you forgot something important at home.

And that equipping him with these life skills, these “spend the time now so you don’t have to feel foolish/regret it later” lessons are worth it.

I’m so very lucky in that my eldest is an easygoing one. This wasn’t an argument, a fuss, a fight. Honestly, he gave me that grin, the one he gives me when he’s checking my parenting temperature, which lately I’ve taken as a signal flare for a need for strong parental involvement and much double checking. This grin was recently used at bedtime and a rogue electronic device was discovered in bed, for instance.

So when I said “Dude, this is too important to rely on your memory only. You got a great score on that Mars project and this is going to add to your score. Go quickly type up your thoughts on it. You say you have three points? Make sure you put down at least three sentences.” (Because hand writing is one of many weaknesses for this particular child, typing is his workaround, so don’t go thinking I’m supremely evil for making him type. This is actually a positive workaround for him when he’s feeling completely unable to tackle an assignment that has a worksheet and pen/pencil component. Thankfully with a small school and agreeable faculty, he can do this anytime he needs.) He actually did it.

Before you go dust off the Parent of the Year award for me, I want you to know that paper is currently sitting on the desk in the office.

Two steps forward. One step back. But it’s still my job to be his parent. Here, today, and every day.

On girls and women and careers and balance and having it all

Many different factors keep pointing me to the need to write this. 72 (75, 77, whichever study you look at, it does't matter) cents on the dollar. Having it all. Girls in tech. Women's issues in this election season.

There are several matters I don't wish to touch with a ten foot pole, but the girls and women and careers and balance stuff - that I do. For whatever reason, I've spent a lot of time considering this lately, in large part due to a newsweek article I've been reading in snippets here and there.

But also through conversations with different mom friends, and different friend friends, some of whom aren't moms, some of whose life paths have taken them on different roads entirely. And yet for each of us there is this overarching question, this overarching narrative - How can you have it all? How can you be a woman and, you know, have it all? Family, career, marriage, all.

There is a very very simple answer to this very very complicated question. You can't.

Depressing? Well, I don't think so. I'll let my other friends pipe in with their answers, while I give my longer version.

So here's the thing. The one constant in life is CHANGE.

By the way, I swear there is relevance to a picture of food in a post about women and careers. I shall make it ALL clear.

I sit here in middle age at a certain place in my life, career, and time on this earth. There are certain realities to this era of my life. Choices I've made. I've fought for some of them. I've accepted others. At the moment, I am the primary at-home parent.

Earlier in our life together, before children while my husband was still finishing his graduate degrees, I was the primary wage-earner.

I could feel boxed in, limited by my role right now at home, but I don't. There's something actually quite freeing about it. We used to argue about things like getting the car's oil changed (who am I kidding? We still argue about stuff like that!) and it boils down to this: For me, the at-home parent, time horizons are long. For my husband, who lives the immediacy of the business world, the fast pace of a traveling lifestyle means things that need to get done must get done NOW. For me, things that need to get done will get done, eventually. It's a kind of life I think I was meant to live, at least some of my life, because it's led me to discover that I really notice the way things smell outside. That growing food makes me feel proud. The different kinds of birds that frequent our area. That I absolutely love to watch hawks soar. That there's a kind of meditation to be had in the everyday tasks of life.

This is a very strange post about career, isn't it?

My main advice to you, my younger friends who are in the process of seeking careers, defining yourselves, entering new life stages, or even just considering what to major in or which college to go to, is this - find something to be passionate about. For now. And then prepare for that to shift over time. Some of my passions have not shifted. See: Science Fiction. Some have evolved. Most don't make me any money, but I've never once regretted knowing how to cook. Never once regretted loving to read (or investing in the time to get a library card.) Or regretted knowing enough about music to be moved by a song, wanting to play it over and over and over on the iPod (somehow that sounds weirder than saying "the radio" but saying the radio doesn't make sense anymore because how would I make a song of my choosing play over and over on the radio unless I hooked my iPod into it? Tech these days…)

I think what I'm really saying here is to spend the time getting to know yourself so that you can make the compromises that are right for YOU based on what will make you feel the best, feel the most whole, the most complete.

You will know whether leaving your kids at daycare each day will rip your heart in two and leave you a weeping useless mess or whether being home with them will make your eyes bleed and cause you to become a weeping useless mess or whether both things will likely happen (this is entirely possible) and thus you need to choose the most economically feasible solution for your family for now, realizing you might change positions after 6 months, a year, two. (For us it was after 2 years. Surprised the shit out of both of us, lol.)

I wasn't at all passionate about parenting until I had kids, and not then until enough time had passed so that I could see things clearly. But my passion about family and home and creating space for *us* led me to parenting and opened me up to new interests.

Because when it all comes down to it, it's completely fine not to have it all right now, because I can be very satisfied with myself as a person because I feel confident in my passions. Mine are currently an eclectic mix of personal (parenting, gardening, birds, dogs, food) and business (tech, STEM, writing, books <- those last two cross over into personal again.) So while the career thread of my life, that era has the pause button pushed, I can make space for the passions, and find ways to try to express the other parts of me while still doing the drudgery, going through the motions, doing the everyday.

And living with the long view. That I don't have to have it all right now. Because later, I can get to it.

What about you? Have you compromised? Are you satisfied with your compromises? I don't think I was until very very recently. I guess that's why I want those yet to face these choices to know they're coming. Though would I have done things differently knowing that I would have to put aside dreams and goals? Perhaps not.

Book Review - Infinity Ring Book 1: A Mutiny in Time by James Dashner

I've been reading a ton in advance of the kids' fall book fair (which they do through the awesome independent bookstore Anderson's Bookshop in Naperville, IL.) It's so much better to be able to hand a kid a book I've read and be able to say "You liked 39 Clues. This book is pretty similar but has *time travel*!" which is what this review is about. I'm trying to keep my Goodreads account as current as I can so feel free to friend me or follow me over there if you want the absolute latest.

Infinity Ring Book 1: A Mutiny in Time is a quick read about kids in a alternate future history world where the Americas were discovered by two brothers, not Christopher Columbus.

Dak and Sera are best friends and 12 when the story opens. Dak's into history, Sera's a science geek. These interests prove helpful when the two become embroiled in an international time-traveling scheme to reset historical "breaks" where history went wrong.

In the vein of 39 Clues (even comes with some trading cards packed into the cover.) Looks to be a fun new series for middle-grade readers.

I found some of the characterization overly simplistic, little view into the main character's motivations aside from what is obviously stated/required due to the events of the plot, and some cardboard cutouts holding places for what will hopefully be more interesting characters in future books. A good quick read for kids looking for action-based middle grade. 

We have the most disruptive technology in our pockets and nobody seems to notice

"We wanted flying cars. Instead we got 140 characters." This quote was made famous by Founder's Fund VC Peter Theil. 

We sci-fi folks are dreamers. Prognosticators. Fortune tellers. There are some in the SF community who feel like our era is over. Our dreamery future-fantasy stuff is just out of touch with the fast pace of technology today. Or our dreams are too inattainable to be real.

But here's the thing. Peter Theil is right, in a way. We don't have flying cars or bases on the moon or regular rocket rides to asteroids (though we did land a big 'ol rover on Mars. With Lasers!) A lot of the things we dream about in SF stories seem impossibly far off. Teleportation. Telekenisis. Teleanything that doesn't include 150 stations of Reality TV. Distant space travel. Contact with alien cultures.

But, really what's happened is that the future has caught up with us so fast that I think people just haven't noticed.

The cell phone camera is a disruptive technology, and most folks have one on them or are in the presence of someone who has one for the majority of their day.

My camera is a powerful force. I take pictures and digitally journal many of my days (I tried the 365 project  - a picture each day. I fell off the wagon early, but I still find I take a photo more days than not.) 

In addition to photo journaling and just recording life, we have the opportunity to catch moments and record them (my cell phone camera is also a powerful video camera) in high def video. From a baby's first steps to a blissful afternoon walk in a pretty park. This creates a bit of mania in us, I think, as we sometimes forget to just *enjoy* the moment, we're so busy photographing it.

But then it also gives us the opportunity to enjoy the pleasure of the "not so special" moments captured. For me, it helps me to slow down, to fully experience things that I might not have taken the time to notice before. Instead of creating hyperphotographyitis, it's almost like I've amped up my personal awareness of things I see.

What surprises me, though, is how little people pay attention to this. They just blithely go about their daily life taking snapshots of recipes and zinging them across the internets, videotaping democracy rallies in other countries, photographing new species of wildlife and otherwise slowly, (or is it so rapidly we can't even see the movement such that we think it's standing still?) changing the world.

In my own life I've found myself using my camera on my phone for all sorts of things beyond the general activities of a mom trying desperately to capture moments of her kids childhood before they slip through her fingers.

I videotaped my son's hands shaking so we could discuss it with our doctor. I've taken pictures every year or so of the birthmark on my daughter's back so we can see that it is gradually fading. I've photographed receipts to store a copy of them when dining out. I've videotaped a musical group in Ireland including an elbow pipe player. I've sent photos to family members so they can stay current with the kids' development. I've photographed food, flowers, the sandhill cranes that reside nearby part of the year, plants in my yard that I'm not 100% sure aren't weeds.

I've used photos to document the kids' orthodontia progress. I've sent photos to my husband at work to alert him of something going on at home (often hilarious, like the dogs passed out in yin/yang position with their noses in each others...nether quarters, but also to show a repair project we'll need his help with when he comes home.) And he's used photos to share parts of his travels with the kids, or to show us something funny he has seen. We use this powerful technology to stay close, and get closer.

How about you? Do you use that disruptive technology that's in your pocket? What's the most unusual (SAFE for kids/work/families please!) thing you've photographed or the most unusual thing that's happened as a result of interacting with other people's photographs?

Image gallery - click on a thumbnail to see the image. First is my first attempt at home canning. A good girlfriend texted me a page from her canning cookbook when I panicked midway through. The second is Liam's painting from summer art camp midway through. The third is the site that inspired the painting.

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A clean desk and a cluttered mind

I am eager to start posting regularly again. I never really know what causes my blogging hiatuses (hiati?) It's not like one day I decide "I think I'll stop posting." It's just that day after day I...don't post.

This is true of my writing, too. Day after day I've been wanting to write, thinking about writing, but just...not. It's an odd sort of funk and I need to get myself out of it. So...stay tuned. Hopefully I can pull some sensible order out of the chaos that is my brain (but the desk, the desk is sparkly clean!)

First, though, here's a picture of the kitty in a basket. Because she's cute. Aww.

Some link salad to tide you over:

These cakes cooked in canning jars look fun and easyish to make, if I can get over my fear of making a cake from scratch.

My friend works for Big Oven and they got some good press recently. Mental note, next time I'm procrastinating, maybe I can put all my recipes into Big Oven?

Over the summer I worked at the kids' school and one of the things I did was launch a blog. I'm really happy with the two pieces I wrote and would love to do more of this kind of writing in the future.

This was the most interesting thing I've seen all week (note to self: stop reading election coverage.) It's a TED talk by woman who created a game to help get her out of a traumatic-brain injury depression. Very interesting stuff about life lessons and what regrets people have on their deathbed and video games. I love people who mash up content in unexpected ways. TED talks take 18 minutes and it can seem like it's impossible to find 18 minutes, but trust me - give it a try. It was worth it for me (it got me off my procrastination station and into this post, so it's worth SOMETHING!)

Your parenting tip for the day: Bookmarks for the kids

Parenting Tip: Create a folder of Bookmarks for each child

My kids love playing on the computer. I'm on the computer a lot during the day while they're in school and I often come across a site or activity that I think they would enjoy.

After a few too many "browsers of doom" where I had 12, 15 open tabs just waiting to show the kids, I started a bookmark folder for each kid. This way I can put bookmarks in for pages I think they might be interested in and then *close the webpage.* This has done wonders for my digital sanity, though I still have a digital hygeine problem as explained below.

My own bookmarks are ridiculous, I don't keep anything in there, at least not anymore in the tangle of sites I originally bookmarked in 2003. It's the curse of a visual-spatial person, I can't ever find the things I want no matter how carefully I try to create folder structures and organizational schemes. I swear my digital organization is worse than my physical organization, and that's saying something!

However, for my kids I can manage a reasonable number of bookmarks. Right? (Right??!)

Some of the tidbits in there right now:

Liam's folder:

• Crowdsourcing space exploration tool called Zooniverse that I want to be a part of, too!
• Legends of Druidawn interactive creative writing game (click the link at the very bottom of the page to see the genesis of this site - creative writing solutions it says.)
• A site to convert text to multimedia, like the bunny/mouse characters speaking in tinny computerized voices reading scripts that people wrote....whatever that one is called. Note to self, this would be great to use in Media and Design classes...
• The requisite Lego recreation of something totally AWESOME, this one is Middle Earth.

Anastasia's folder:

• Tree of Life web project - collection of information about biodiversity compiled by amatuers and experts alike.
• How to make friendship bracelets (I'm totally in the clear on the website name since she thinks WTF stands for Why the Face?)
• A music video of an 8 year old girl singing a hardcore (punk rock) song. She's always making videos herself and I think needs a little inspiration, since the script is often the limiting factor.
• A make your own snowflake picture (online) site. Love this.

So I challenge you to go forth and make a folder for each of your children and drop in fun tidbits and cool sites that they might like. Also a good place to put book recommendations, particularly if you're parenting a tween who might not want to actually ASK you for ideas. (P.S., if you don't know this about me already, know that I can talk your ear off with recommendations for books for kids ages 8-18. Please ask! Give me an excuse to talk your ear off!)

Come back and report on the great sites you found! Perhaps one day we'll do this all in pinterest... ;)

Cauliflower sweet potato creme fraiche pasta casserole

Cauliflower/sweet potato creme fraiche pasta casserole

I usually cook on the inspiration of a recipe, but often make so many changes that the recipe barely resembles the source. Tonight was no exception, and rather than lose track of the changes I made, I just rewrote the recipe to match what I did. I loved this for the tangyness of the creme fraiche (something I don't cook with often enough but keep watching Jamie Oliver's new show and he uses it a lot and...well, I'm suggestible like that) and the richness of the roasted vegetables. It was fantastic. Will definitely make again, maybe without even the pasta, just more vegetables as a special veg casserole perhaps for holiday meals. This was inspired by a recipe I found on epicurious.

1/2 bag penne, cooked

1 head cauliflower, 1 large sweet potato, three cloves garlic, sliced into even-sized chunks and roasted 425 for about 25 mins (tossed with EVOO and salt/pepper) til tender but still a little resistant. One you remove the veg, reduce oven heat to 375.

 

2T butter (okay, more like 3) - melted in saucepan

2T flour (bit more) - added to the melted butter

wisked for 1-2 mins

1t dry mustard

salt

pepper

added to the whisked mixture

1ish cups milk. maybe 1.5

added to the whisked mixture until it's medium thick/thin (not runny like milk, but not thick like sour cream.)

1/2 container creme fraiche, added to the cooked milk mixture

bunch 'o cheese added, too (1/2c?)

 

Spray 9x13" pan with non-stick spray, toss in cooked penne and roasted veg. Mix around so they're well mixed together.

 

Drizzle cream sauce on top

 

Top with another 1/2 cup shredded cheese

Top this (top that!) with 1 cup panko bread crumbs tossed with 1/4 cup shredded parmesan and 2 green onions finely diced. Teensy bit of non-stick spray on top or a drizzle of EVOO

 

Oven for 25 minutes at 375, remember?

Next time I'll even photograph it!

 

Ode on a Wireless Access Point that Does Not Suck

Ode on a Wireless Access Point that Does Not Suck

 

Thou access point of doom,

How you taunt me with,

Your wavy bars of signal and glowing green lights,

Indicating neither signal, nor strength

 

Your suckage pulls at me,

Dragging my productivity down, down,

Until I cling to the edge of the pit of despair,

Fearing to never see another silly kitten video,

 

But what, fair Wireless Access Point?

Thou just wanteth me to reconfigure my wifi?

But do yet you not understand?

I am on a tosh de macin, this device excels beyond my limited intellect,

 

Spirits again dashed like paint on concrete,

I contemplate a roof-test for your beloved countenance,

And as I gently lift thine metal body from thine shelf,

What? The internet is back up? ...Meow

 

If you should come to our house this holiday season...

If you should come to our house this holiday season, I hope you will see the chaos and think kindly of us.

When you see food on the counter or a fridge bursting with veggies, yogurt, eggs, and leftovers, I hope you'll know we are grateful to have plenty to eat.

When you see the dog gates and dog toys everywhere, I hope you'll think we are smart to introduce our kids to the joys and responsibilities of pet ownership.

When you see messy floors, I hope you'll think that we're too busy making memories to be very good housekeepers.

When you see a thousand and one projects in-process with masking tape and posterboard and sewing machines and string and bits of foil and partly-decorated cookies and tally sheets and dice and building blocks and legos and bottles partly filled with powders of uncertain origin, I hope you'll appreciate that letting the kids explore and learn and live their lives with us in this space is what we signed on for when we became parents.

If you come to our house this holiday season I hope you'll know that the greatest gift each of us have to give and receive is the gift of our time, and we look forward to spending some with you.