Broken

I'm working too much, and my daughter, the emotional antenna, knows. And it's not like at age seven she can say, "Mom, you're working so much and your head is elsewhere and that scares me and I wish you would focus on me more and I don't like having to go to school early some days or having you pick me up late other days and I just want our normal life back."

As if that were even possible.

But it's little things. She doesn't want to do the after school class anymore. Easily frustrated at home. Feels like everyone's "always" against her or making her do things or pulling her this way or that. She's emotionally peaking and valleying at varying times during the day, often one immediately after the next. Need I even say that it's never at a convenient time for me?

And on the inside, I'm so conflicted. For the first time since *before my oldest was born* (clock it - that was more than 9 years ago) I'm immersed in a work project that occupies my brain before, during, and after "work" (having a flexible schedule is both a blessing and an extremely bad curse.) My brain wants to solve my work issues 24/7 - yes even in the middle of the night. And my body is ready to give up on me. Woke up with a migraine this morning, which is my body's last salvo, last fire across the bow. "Yo, bitch. More rest. Less crazy."

And my little girl, how do I fix this? How do I help her know that changes are okay? That everything is temporary anyway (while simultaneously not freaking out about the fact that summer is 5 short weeks away and my project is due June 1. If it slips even a few days, I'm toast with no childcare.)? That mom working isn't stealing me away from her. Because in a way, that's a lie. It's true, my brain is tied up elsewhere much of the time. But is that really wrong? She's seven! She can cope. Can't she? Should she?

Why are all issues of working and balancing mothering such Solomon's choices? Why can't I figure out how to compartmentalize? Or the right things to say to my baby, who isn't actually saying, "I don't like it when you work"? (most of the time. She has actually said that. Rip my beating heart out and serve it on a platter, shall we?)

And am I upset because she's shining her white-hot light on the exact heart of the issue? The place where a big part of me *wants* this. Wants the full immersion. Misses the way solving work-related problems feeds a very malnourished part of my soul.

I never realized that having babies would cause this kind of existential discomfort. I don't want to have to face up to the reality that is cut back - do less - pull back. I want the damn cake, I want to eat it, too. But it turns out, I have to share.

 

Comments

[Jen Unger Kroc]

Karen, I've had times like that too. They suck. Sometimes it's when I'm consumed with a project or other commitment (usually not paid work in my current life, but something else consuming and deadline-oriented); it's also happened when one family member is seriously sick or injured and I just don't have brainspace for it all. Only two things I've found that help. (Well, three: The crisis passes, eventually. Really, it does.) In the meantime, first, I've been exceedingly grateful for my friends who have stepped in to be second (or third) mothers to my children, enfolding my girls into their families for a day or an afternoon so they can soak up some family love while I focus on the Stuff that must get done. And second, sometimes even when it's so hard and you don't want to, you just have to set your own stuff aside and spend some focused time & attention on your kids yourself. Walk away from the computer. Put your things down - or up, where you can't reach them for a while. LOOK AT your kids, listen to them, show with your whole body that they have your full attention. Even if it's just for fifteen minutes. Then be honest and say, "I need to focus on my work for a while now." In my household, it seems the hardest thing for my kids and the most frustrating part for me is when I'm trying to work and they talk to me while I'm distracted - better to face it, put the work away, face them, and try to keep my mind honestly and genuinely clear for them. Sequencing.

Sympathy to you!!

[Karen Smith]

Thanks @Jen. I had the talk with myself just yesterday about how I need to do that - the putting one thing down, turning, providing full attention. And remembering that it won't last forever helps, too. Mere blips on the life radar. Just painful ones.

[BenM]

Making time is hard, and I totally identify with the wanting to have our cake and eat it too. On occasion over the last few years I've burnt myself out by doing too much, to the point that I got so tired one day I crashed my motorcycle and was on crutches for six months. I've really found it helpful - when necessary - to take a step back and say You know, I already have it all.

Sure, I want to do more, and I'm working towards those goals. But I've had enough friends die along the way to their goals - either through physical or mental health issues or through preventable accidents - that it's really put things into perspective. Life's short and I want to get more done, but The Day Job and The Writing Job and The Renovation Job are not warzones and not worth sacrificing life or family over. (Though TV, now there's an easy candidate...)

Mind you, I might know all this in my head, but the spark of whatever-it-is that wants to see all these things done gets me pretty frustrated when I'm stymied by other responsibilities too. Oh for an easy answer!